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Tuesday, 7 April 2020

What to do During Isolation

I'm sure that where ever you are in the world you know that things are hard right now and a lot of us have been put in lockdown, meaning that we are only allowed to go out for absolute necessary things. I know each country has different rules on what they are allowed to do; here in the UK the rules are that we are allowed to leave the house only for:

1- Food Shopping / Picking up Medication.
2- Going to Work (For Keyworkers).
3- One Form of Exercise a Day.


Being on lockdown is going to be challenging for us all and for those of us that already struggle with our mental health, it can be even more challenging. So I thought that it may be helpful to write about things that you can do while in isolation, here are 8 stay at home things you can do while on lockdown.

1. Arts & Crafts

Arts & crafts can be enjoyable no matter how old you are. This is something that anybody can do and you don't need expensive equipment to do it, a pencil and a piece of paper will do; be creative, draw, make a sculpture. Start a scrapbook, do some journaling,  being creative can be anything and can be messy if you have children. You don't have to be an artist to do arts and crafts, but it is something that can help to distract you from thoughts, even just colouring will help you to focus on the moment.

2. Read Books

Have you got a book that is sitting on your shelf, you keep saying you will read it but just cannot find the time? well, guess what? now is the time, while you are sitting at home trying to find something to do with all the free time you have, well why not pick up that book and give it a read. Books open you to a whole new world, a world full of romance, mystery, magic, reading allows you to leave your worries behind, takes you to a world that can be so magical and open up your imagination. Books can also be educational and help you to learn new thing, learn about history, learn how to be mindful, books are a great source of information and on the plus, it's not technology.

3. Learn a New Language

Why not use this time to learn a new language. There's plenty of free apps that can help you to learn a language, Duolingo, is a great app and I use it quite a lot. I never used to be into learning languages and when I was in Primary, I never understood why I needed to learn them but as I've grown up I've become interested in learning languages and it can open a lot of opportunities especially if you want to travel, you are able to interact with more people.

4. Learn a New Hobby/Skill

Using this time to learn a new hobby or skill can be very useful, got an instrument in the corner of the room, you can learn to play it, learn to knit, learn to sew. There are so many things that you can learn to do that are very useful in life and can give you something to enjoy doing in your spare time once we come out of lockdown. Learning new things can keep us focused and the sense of achievement we get once we have achieved it is amazing and such a wonderful feeling.

5. Online Studying

Why not do some study, there are loads of online courses that you can enrol on. Alison Courses is a great one, I do these when I have spare time; there are no deadlines and no time limits, you do the course in your own time and you only need to pay for the certificate at the end of the course. These courses can aid you to learn new skills and help with future job opportunities, while also giving you something to do with your time.

6. Mindfulness

Mindfulness is great to do, especially if you struggle with mental health. This is all about learning to be in the present and to be able to recognise what you are feeling at the moment. Colouring is a great mindfulness activity, you are distracted but you are also able to focus on what you are feeling in that moment, another great mindfulness activity is balancing and egg (this is something that I always refused to do, I thought, well that's silly but you know what, it works; it keeps you distracted and you can balance an egg). There are workbooks you can get that will help with Mindfulness, I have loads of resources on Mindfulness and workbooks for specific Mental Health Disorders if anyone wants some ideas or some to try, just email me and I can send some over to you.

7. Practise Good Self-Care

Practising good self-care is important for everyone, this is something that we all should be doing on a daily basis, however, we may be so caught up with life that we forget to do it. So why not start adding this into your daily routine and continue with this once lockdown is over. While in lockdown it is important to get up each day and get dressed, this will help to feel productive but will also help with our mental health and ensure that we don't fall into the trap of staying in bed all day. Self-care can look different for different people, it can include, having a shower/bath, putting makeup on, doing your hair, brushing teeth. Having a balanced healthy diet; painting your nails, and fitness. Anything that you enjoy doing that means that you are taking good care of yourself.

8. Start a Blog

Why not start a blog on something that you really enjoy doing. I've been blogging about mental health for nearly 4 years now and it has been an amazing journey, the feedback I get is incredible and to be able to help others is a wonderful feeling. You can blog about anything, fashion; beauty; sports; mental health; lockdown; general life, absolutely anything, what you are interested in others will be too. It is a great way to share your interests and interact with other people from all over the world.

I hope that you find these suggestions helpful, there are so many things that you can do while in isolation that are simple and you may have the things at home already. Use this time wisely, you can make the most of the time. But also take care of your mental heatlh and don't push yourself; it is okay to not be okay and there are people out there that will listen to you, talk to friends and family. If all you can manage is getting out of bed then well done. Mental Health is not easy but together we can support each other through this difficult time and please all stay safe.
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Thursday, 13 February 2020

Discharge and Support Afterwards

Disclaimer!! 

This is purely my experience of what support there is after discharge from services, my experience maybe completely different to what others have expeienced.

Back Story of my Discharge

7th January 2020 I was discharged from mental health services, this was not planned on my part. Originally the plan was that I'd have my last two sessions with my current worker and then once she had left I'd be allocated a new worker to work through my issues with services and therapy before working out what the next step would be. My current worker at the time decided without discussing with me first that my last session with her would be my final time with the service and that she was going to then discharge me early.

The reasons I was given to why they were discharging me were as follows:

1. Services were not able to offer me any support.
2. Services believed I was not engaging (However, they had forgotten about me for 4 months).
3. Services said I had an increased suicide risk.
4. Services could not support me while I was working full time.

I was discharged without any information as to where I could find support within the community for my mental health as I was still struggling. I was doing better and was in counselling but still needed that extra support. So I decided (against my inner beliefs) to go to the Crisis Café to see if NHFT could inform me of support that is available.

NHFT informed me that I am not entitled or worthy of any support either through the NHS or via the community/charity due to me working full time. When I questioned this I was told that because I work I am not accepting suicidal ideation and someone without a job is; I was told that because I work I can not also have suicidal ideation (which we all know is false and those that know me also know that I've always worked since I was 13 and I have been suicidal numerous times and even attempted) this to me made no sense as previously been told that everyone is worthy of support.

I also got told it was my fault I was discharged as I wouldn't talk; now those that know me know I can struggle to talk at times when I'm stuck with thoughts, and my way to communicate is via writing what I want to say down, then the worker read it and then we can talk about each part together. My worker would REFUSE to read what I had written and would say I had to speak, when explained to her how I work she'd still refuse, therfore causing a block in our communication and the work that is able to be done. I therefore believe that it was not my fault as my worker of informed of this by not only myself but by NHFT also.

Counselling has also now stopped, this was a very difficult thing to happen as I believed I had longer but then having it changed and all that happened around counselling with attitudes changing, etc.

What Support Have I Been Offered?

Let's be honest, I've not been offered any support; infact told I'm not able to get any support anywhere. Services dropped me without any plan of action, I was given no information, no advice; Services let me down on a number of occasions, Crisis Cafe have not offered any advice, or plan; Counsellor did not offer any plan or advice. I was left to defend for myself.

Someone within a Mental Health Hospital would not go from a 3:1 or a 2:1 straight to hourly obs so why are people in the community going from support once or twice a week to nothing at all. This is wrong and this is another area people are being let down. I've not even had my doctor ring to arrange an appointment to discuss where to go from here and what support the GP surgery can offer me. 

Right now I'm in a semi ok mindset; I can see my struggles and trying my hardest to manage them the best I can. Keeping busy is the best thing for me so it's good that I have things during my week that are keeping me busy and away from thinking. However, as soon as I am home, that is when the mind starts to play its games. Being left with no support has been hard for me but I know that if I wasn't kept busy then things would've been a lot harder so I am thankful for being busy, as it has been a distraction for me.

When not within services there are some places where you are able to get further support, IAPT, Counselling, Mind, Teamwork, PCLW and your GP. Reach out and see what you are able to get and what kind of support they can offer you, long or short term.

I hope that other areas of the country are offering support for their patients once they are discharged from services and I even hope that other people in my area are given the support they need after discharge and that this is not happening to everyone as it is completely wrong that patients are left with no action plan once discharged. It will be interesting to hear other peoples experiences with discharge and whether they have been offered anything further, via community support or GP; let me know via email what you've been offered or if you've had a similar experience to me.

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Tuesday, 31 December 2019

19 Things I've Learnt In 2019 (Mental Health Edition)

As 2019 draws to an end it's time to reflect on the year and look at what I've learnt, things that have changed me and appreciate that where I started the year off is completely different to where I am now. I'm no where near recovered but my life has changed massively this year and yes there has been some horrible times, overall this year hasn't been too bad and has shown me so much.



1. Never Give Up On What Seems Impossible, Everything Is Possible.
Things have appeared impossible this year, like recovery and getting a new job, but they have all been possible. Recovery has started and I started a new job this month. So what I believed would never happen, has and that has shown me is not to give up and everything is possible.

2. Food Doesn't Have To Be An Enemy.
All my life I've struggled with food, as a kid I was a fussy eater, I'd refuse to eat because I "didn't like it" or because I didn't like the smell or texture of it. I'd only eat cheese, fruit, salads, chicken, and a few other things. As I became a teenager I began to dislike the way my body was, I refused to eat because I believed I was fat, at the beginning I would just cut out breakfast and learnt that if I didn't need breakfast then I didn't need lunch or dinner either. By the time I was 18 my eating disorder was in full control, at 20 I began purging and by 21 I was told by my Eating Disorder Psychologist that I was Anorexic, at my lowest weight and at risk of being made inpatient due to me refusing to eat or drink anything from the fear of gaining a single lb. Yet because of my Body Dysmorphic Disorder I refused to believe how sick I was until my physical health took a bad turn. However, December 2019 I decided that life isn't all about food and how thin I can get, I should be able to enjoy the foods I like,  and not worry about my size. I'm far from being recovered from my eating disorder, I work hard everyday to eat, some days are easier than others and at times I still can't manage more than one thing but its a start and I'm happy with that. Helping out at rainbows and also my new job has helped me to feel better about myself and gives me motivation to keep fighing my ED dementors and one day being recovered.

3. It's Okay, Not To Be Okay.
Just because I have bad days doesn't mean I'm relapsing. There will be times in life where I will have my struggles but it's about how I manage those times and not falling back into bad coping methods.

4. Self-Care Is A Vital Part Of Life.
Whether its just having a bath bomb bath, going for a walk, reading or doing something creative. Self-care is an important part of life and can really help with managing the challenging parts if life. Taking time out for myself has been tough, and something I'm learning over time but it helps to cope.

5. Mental Health Doesn't Define Me.
Having mental health had made me feel that all that mattered was my mental health and thats what everyone saw me as, "the one with mental health". I let mental health define me and take over my life. But I've learnt I'm in control of my life and I will control what defines me and it won't me my dementors, yes I've mental heatlh and yes I may struggle for a long time but I am more than my mental health.

6. Professionals Can Mess Up Too, But You Can Always Learn Something.
In my nearly 2 years under servives I've learnt that professionals can mess up. Don't get me wrong, some professionals are amazing but others I just can't click with and no matter what I do we just don't get on. This for me has caused problems on both sides where professionals have made mistakes and some mistakes that could've ended very bad. But I've learnt that they don't acknowledge their mistakes and that I have to want recovery for myself. Professionals only look at the life threatening problems, I learnt that I need to want this for myself.

7. If It Doesn't Feel Right, Change It.
This relates to number 6, but my care didn't feel right. For me being under services wasn't helping me, I was getting worse, overdosing more and more and just didn't see any furture. I've learnt that I can take control of my own care and if something doesn't feel right then I can change it. This can relate to other parts of my life too, changing anything that doesn't bring joy or happiness.

8. Don't Self Destruct.
In my almost 10 years suffering with mental health I've gone through different damaging methods of coping. From not eating, purging, self-harming, suicide attempts, punching walls, drinking alcohol, etc. But I've learnt that harming myself doesn't make me feel better anymore, for 3 years self-harming was a release for me but then one day it stopped, it wasn't helpful. I have urges still, of course I do; the urges don't stop just like that but it's been nearly 12 months since I last self-harmed and nearly 4 months since my last suicide attempt. Coping with my emotions more positively means that I can manage them and move on.

9. Find Out What Works For Me.
Medication, group therapies and services don't seem to work well for me. However, aromatherapy, crystals, counselling, yoga and meditation do.

10. Listen To My Body & What It Needs.
I never used to listen to what my body needed, I put my body through some tough times and times where it should've given up but my body is strong and my body has kept me alive for a purpose. My body grew Little Roo, for a short 2 months yes but I was lucky to have gotten pregnant. A year on from Roo and my body still surprises me of how resilient it is, so now I try and listen to what it needs and care for it. 

11. I'm Different But Thats Okay.
Those that know me, know that I'm not normal, well normal in the terms of what society terms as normal. But I am normal for me, unique and at times extremely hyper. But we are all different and thats okay; I've spent most of my life trying to fit in but now I'm happy that I don't fit in because I don't want to fake who I truly am.

12. My Scars Don't Define Me.
My body has many scars, mentally and physically. But they don't define me; I've had my fair share of challenges in my life and my scars are part of my story, they show the tough times I went through. With 70% of my scars covered with tattoos, I'm able to move on and forget that part of my life. It's weird to look back and think that January 2019 I was self-harming a lot and now I couldn't imagine ever doing it. The remainder 30% of scars will be getting covered with tattoos but I 100% not ashamed of my scars.

13. I Will Become A Counsellor.
My dream is to become a counsellor and I will achieve that. It may take multiple years to get there but I'm more than determined to reach my goal.

14. I've Made It Through 100% Of My Worst Days.
In my past I've had plenty of bad days and I've made it through 100% of them, this means that I can get through 100% more of my bad days. I am stronger than ever and more determinded to recover from mental health.

15. I'm Just At The Start Of My Journey, But It's Looking Positive.
Within the past month my mental health has improved massively; but I'm only at the start of my journey, there is still a long way to go, I'm not anywhere near recovered and I still have my struggles but I will get there. Looking on things more positively will help me to become more resilient; this journey will take time but it is possible.

16. True Friends Are Hard To Find So Don't Let Them Go.
Friends are vital for the recovery journey, they can be there to support, be there to smile, laugh, and cry with. True friends are definitely hard to find but they are out there and I'm happy with my friends right now.

17. Not Everyone Cares But It's Those That Do Care That Matter.
Through life there has been people that pretend to care but their intentions were different. But there has also been those that do truly care and they are the ones that matter to me because they will always be a part of my life and can always cheer me up.

18. My Life Has A Purpose.
If you asked me what my purpose was at the start of 2019, I would've said nothing, that there was no purpose and no future, that all I wanted was to end it all. But now at the end of 2019 I can tell you what I believe to be my purpose in life. What I want to get out of life, all my dreams and aspirations. My life is worth living, whether there is more hardships to come or whether life will just be flowing from now on. It will be an experience and it will make me more resilient.

19. Where I Started Is Not Where I Am Today.
January 2019 seems like years ago, but in reality it wasn't that long ago. But the amount of things that has changed for me within this year has changed massively. Where I started was in full suicidal mode, I couldn't care less for life and knew that 2019 would be the last, there has been some bad times and some good times but it has been an experience. Fast forward to December 2019, I've struggled this past week with my thoughts and stuff but the difference is that I don't self harm or go straight to pills. Now I manage things better, do some self-care and actually listen to what my body needs to help myself get through the bad times. I've come a long way in the past 12 months and to be honest, I'm quite proud of it; and whatever lies ahead for me, I will get through it positively and more healthier.
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Monday, 4 November 2019

Little Roo - What I've Learnt Since My Pregnancy


For those who don't know, last July I had a miscarriage at 2 months pregnant. Over the past year and a bit it has been extremely hard to cope with the fact that my child was never born, never got the chance to live. Little Roo should've been born March 4th 2019 and now being 8 months old I should be getting ready to spend my first Christmas with my child but instead, I'm going to be spending this Christmas as a Mummy to an angel and that is one thing I'm definitely not looking forward to. However, during my short pregnancy and the time after the miscarriage I've learnt a lot of things about life and about myself and that's got to be a positive, or so I try to tell myself.

Firstly, what I learnt is that Roo saved my life in so many ways, at the time that I fell pregnant I was in a severely bad place mentally, my eating disorder was at it's worst, I'd refused to eat and at times even refuse to drink, my eating disorder psychologist was threatening me with inpatient and getting tubed if I didn't start eating. I was also self-harming multiple times a week and trying to end my life every other week. Things were at an all-time low and I believe that Roo came into my life to save me, to get me to stop the mistreatment to my body and actually start looking after myself. Roo came to me at the right time, just a month before I fell pregnant my psychologist told me that I nearly died from the overdose I took so if Roo didn't come along then I probably wouldn't be here today.

Secondly, I had to learn how to start loving myself. Before Roo I didn't care about any damage I was doing to my body, but when Roo came, I had to start eating properly, I had to stop doing dangerous behaviours, and start using positive coping skills. I started putting Roo first, I'd do anything for my baby and all I wanted was my baby to be healthy so I stopped everything bad and done everything good that a baby needs to grow. I was lucky to get pregnant in the first place, with all the damage I caused, Roo was a miracle. Roo taught me that the human body is one magical creation, to create life inside of us is just mind-blowing and something that should be cherished; this taught me the reasons why I should take care of my body, because of Roo I learnt that it's not about what we can see on the outside that's special it's about who the person in on the inside that counts.

Since losing Roo I fell back into bad habits, the eating went back downhill, self-harming and suicide attempts were back too, I was grieving and blamed myself for my miscarriage, I believed that it was my past that caused it; even when my friends told me it wasn't my fault or when the Crisis Cafe was trying to persuade me that these things just happen sometimes and it's nobodies fault. Falling back to old habits was probably the worst thing I could've done, causing more damage to my body just when I started to love myself.


On the other hand, I did learn positive things since Roo. These will be things that I will try to keep to and continue working on in the future as they won't be fixed straight away but will take time to overcome, so one change would be that 6 months after losing Roo I stopped self-harming, now the only reason I went back to self-harming after Roo (I wouldn't have otherwise), was due to the fact that a mental health professional told me that due to just having the miscarriage a week beforehand I should be self-harming and portrayed it to be a bad thing that I wasn't; this then triggered me to start self-harming again, which was a big mistake. However, did eventually stop in January 2019, I learnt that this did nothing for me and that I didn't want to do that anymore and when I do get lucky enough to get pregnant again I don't want to cause any risks for my child. I can proudly say that come November 21st I will be 10 months self-harm free and yes I still get urges but I will NEVER go back to it and Roo helped me to learn that I don't need to scar my skin anymore because that doesn't solve my problems. It's also been nearly two months since I last made an attempt on my life and that is definitely better than every other week.

Roo is also helping me to start recovering from my eating disorder, all my life I've had problems with eating, been under the Eating Disorder Service 3 times and like I said earlier nearly got made inpatient because of it. However, Roo taught me that I need to nourish my body, keep my body healthy for my future and yes it's a daily battle to eat and at times I still refuse especially at triggering times of year but I'm better than I was and I've got Roo to thank for that because food is fuel, not an enemy (well that's what I'm trying to learn). I've yet to battle the whole eating in public and in front of people; currently, I will only eat in front of people I trust.

Finally, Roo taught me that just because my baby left doesn't mean life can not go on. Losing Roo was like losing my Grandad all over again, all I wanted was to join them, I couldn't see how I could live without them. But Roo continues to teach me new things as time goes on; Roo will always be with me and just because my baby isn't here with me anymore doesn't mean I'm not a Mummy; I'm just a Mummy to a beautiful angel who saved my life and every day I am thankful for my angel, because without Roo I probably wouldn't be alive. I wouldn't be studying counselling, doing Rainbows, or any of the other opportunities I've had over the past year and a bit. Every life has a purpose and I believe Roo's purpose was to save me, that purpose was fulfilled and Roo went back to God and joined my Grandad and sister up in heaven, watching me and being a guardian angel. I won't lie, it is incredibly hard losing a child, and there are still times that I want to give up but with my counsellor's help, I am learning ways to cope with my loss and continue with life.
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Tuesday, 23 July 2019

Mental Health Boxes

I thought I'd write a post on three mental health recovery businesses I've found, each one puts in so much hard work and love into what they do and they all deserve the recognition. Also maybe this can reach those who are struggling right now, who may need a little mental health lift to help them on the road to recovery.

Now those who know me in person or who've followed my mental health journey over the past three years will know that I've struggled deeply with my mental health since I was 13 I've had one form of mental health or another. From OCD to Depression and an Eating Disorder (plus more), I've had my fair share of challenges, just like many of us do. We're all on our own journeys, with many challenges being thrown our way, some are easy to cope with while others are much harder. Sometimes need that extra little support and these businesses help to end stigma and give you tools to help manage the tough times.

For me, the thing that works best is.... (those who know me best will know how much I hate this word)... Distraction.

(Why do I hate that word so much? It's down to the fact that professionals use it way TOO MUCH. And sometimes distraction takes a lot of energy and may not work, however, at times it works wonders and helps to ground me and keep me safe.)

So here are the ones I've found to be the best and I'm going to put them in the order that I received them in, they're all amazing businesses, that all have mental health recovery at heart:


1. Recovery Shoebox Project

The recovery shoebox project was set up by the lovely Megan. This is a non-profit organisation that send out free shoeboxes filled with a variety of goodies, from beauty products, colouring books, fidget toys, notebooks and many more. They also add an envelope with different things inside, including a letter, toolkit and other things to use that can keep you distracted. These boxes are made for anyone who struggles with their mental health and needs a toolkit to help them cope with the tough times. The boxes are all personalised, you write what you struggle with the most and they will make the box specifically for your needs. I will also add that at the moment this business can only send within the UK.

I was highly surprised by how much you actually get inside the box, and you can just tell how much love and care goes into each and every box. I, unfortunately, cannot find the photo of this box to show you. But I can say that it is an amazing box and such an amazing course.

https://www.recoveryshoebox.org



2. Hopeful Recovery Boxes

The second box I received was from Hopeful Recovery Boxes. This is another non-profit organisation run by the lovely Ellie. This is a lovely box filled with loads of goodies that are personalised to your gender. Some things that I received in this box were, a notebook, fluffy socks, stickers, beauty products and many more. This business is also for the UK only that this current time.

Hopeful Recovery Boxes are also free but since this is a small business, there may be a little waiting list, but it is definitely worth that wait, for such a lovely package.

For me, the little things are the things that mean the most so having a little card with a message on is so meaningful to me and knowing that all the love has been put into these boxes makes everything mean 10x more.

There is also a place you can donate items to this business if you wish. The link is in the bio on Instagram.

https://www.instagram.com/hopefulrecoveryboxes/



3. Made By Georgia Mai

The lovely Georgia-Mai, I found out about through the Hopeful Recovery Boxes (business card added to the boxes). This is a business full of crafts made by Georgia-Mai herself so you know for a fact that a lot of time, love and care were put into every item. You can get products from keyrings, postcards, little bags of happiness, bags, tops and hoodies, the price of the products vary from £1-£22, depending on what you are ordering.

There are also Mystery Bundles that are full of goodies and is all a surprise as you don't know what you will get inside, this is something you can get for a friend, or just for yourself and adds excitement when you receive it.

This is a lovely little business with cute products, Georgia Mai ships worldwide so no matter where you live you can get your share of mental health goodies, both men and women.


https://www.instagram.com/madebygeorgiamai/
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Saturday, 18 May 2019

Dear Grandad - 3 Years On

Life is full of challenges and don't we know that's true, so much has happened in both our lives that have shaped us into the people we became.

I believe the biggest challenge for me was coping with the fact that you weren't coming home from the hospital, and knowing I won't ever get to give you one more hug; to walk in your house and chat while making dinner, while the others went to Grandma, all your wonderful stories (I'll definitely be telling my children), gardening together, celebrating my achievements (you were always so proud of me). I won't ever get to have one last birthday or Christmas with you, no more Tuesday evenings together, just us two and most of all, I'll never get to tell you how much you mean to me.

There are so many regrets that I hold and for the past 3 years, I've blamed myself for your death, because I didn't spend enough time with you while I was at university. I ignored special times with you just because I didn't want to be around the rest of the family. I blame myself for putting my university exams before you, especially while you were in the hospital fighting for your life. I'm so sorry Grandad for not being there more for you when you needed me the most. Exams can be redone, making memories with loved ones can't be redone, they're once in a lifetime opportunities.

The Friday before, you had woke, you spoke to Grandma and your children, you told my uncle "look after your mum for me", you knew you weren't going to make it, I never got told that you got worse again on the following Monday. All I knew was that you were ok and awake, I planned on coming to see you after my exam on Tuesday (I wish I had known, rather than waiting over 24hrs to find out), but then I got the news...

I remember that dreadful phone call I received from dad after my exam, telling me to come over because you weren't going to make it. Oh how I cried, I couldn't believe what I was hearing, "you can't leave" I kept saying. The person I love the most, the only one that understood me, my world was crumbling down around me and there was nothing I could do or say to stop it. My friend helped me pack up some clothes and I came home, I cried all the way. However, I refused to see you, I couldn't see you in that coma, with tubes everywhere, that's not how I wanted to remember you, you were my everything, I didn't want to watch you leave me.

When I finally got the courage to go see you, I couldn't making it past the door, all the family just looked up at me and it freaked me out and seeing you in that way scared me so much. I couldn't hold it in no more... I broke.

The way you just laid there, you didn't move an inch, tubes all over the place, the heart monitor beeping in the background. You were leaving, I could see it when I looked at you, you were trying to hang on, fighting your hardest to stay. You were so brave Grandad. But little did I know you had already said your goodbyes. Those 10 seconds I learnt a lot, I learnt that life is too short, that people you love can be taken away from you any minute; I learnt just how much you meant to me. In those 10 seconds, I refused to believe that this was it, that you were going to be leaving me for good. Sitting in that waiting room I don't even know how long I was sitting there for 30 minutes an hour maybe, I don't know, I just know that it felt like an eternity.

Fast forward to 00:25am my brother brought me and dad the news I 1000% wasn't ready to hear. "HE'S GONE" that's all I heard, both of them just looked at me but I looked the other way, no way was my Grandad gone, you couldn't just leave me like that. I never got to say GOODBYE; I tried for the second time to go see you, this time with no tubes and no beeping (never knew how much not hearing that beep would affect me). I went to say goodbye but yet again I couldn't even do that; to say goodbye forever is one of the hardest things to do; I feel terrible that I've never had closure, never been able to say a proper goodbye, to tell you how much you mean to me, and that hurts every single day.

3 long and extremely tough years on, and what is there to show, I'm still not able to cope with you not being here, every day is harder and harder. Writing this is hard and tears keep pouring down my face; I just wish that I could have one more day with you. To talk about all your stories, gardening, eating sneaky ice cream when mum says no; to give you one last hug. I relive that traumatic day over and over; the last image I have of you is you laying in the hospital bed, your skin so pale; you looked like you were sleeping but I know that your spirit was no long here on earth, you had gone to a better place up in heaven; Tara has her Grandad with her now.

Everyone says that it gets easier but they're wrong, it doesn't get easier. I think of you every second of everyday; I always wonder if I'm making you proud. I remember when I did the radio talk and Grandma turned round and said to me "your Grandad would be so proud of you, he knew how much you struggled with confidence and talking, so to be able to talk of the radio and have the confidence; he'd be dancing around the kitchen if he was here, shouting that's my Grandaughter" that made me cry because no one has ever said something like that to me since you passed. I hope that I do make you proud Grandad and I know that my current mental state you'd be looking down on and telling me I'm being silly, telling me that I know what I should be doing and even though I want to be with you and the others more than anything, you'd be telling me that this isn't my time and that you will always be there with me in spirit. I know that you are in a better place now, and I can imagine that you're loving it, doing gardening, being surrounded by animals; it must be so beautiful up in heaven. You have your daughter (my aunt), you've been reunited with your first granddaughter (my sister) and you have met your first great grandchild (my baby). I can't believe you got to meet my sister and my own child before me but I know that you'll be looking after them and telling them all about me. I love you so much Grandad, you will always be my world, I hope one day I'll feel like I've made you proud.


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Friday, 26 April 2019

Long Time No See

This is going to be a very short blog post as I'm not mentally well enough to put all my focus into this, hence why I've not posted on my blog in a long time; so here goes nothing.

Over the past few months but especially this month I've had plenty of trips to A&E, one for physical reasons due to me not eating and passing out so needed to be checked out to make sure there's nothing too concerning going on. Thankfully there isn't so I can carry on the way I am, especially since I'm not able to get help with my eating disorder. On the other hand, there have been numerous times that I've had to go to A&E for mental health reasons, due to me overdosing; but again everything's fine and professionals are 0% concerned with my behaviour so .... we know what's gonna be coming.

Furthermore, I'm starting Intermediate Support to try and "improve my life and make plans for my future", those who know me know what I think about that. This came after Adult Social Care refused to help me, so this is the next option; I also got told that I couldn't use the Mind Crisis Cafes until I'm at crisis point and everyone was agreeing. This is a load of rubbish as the cafes were my safe place and I'd use to prevent a crisis, I then refused to go for nearly two weeks as I felt abandoned and unwanted, even when I was a crisis, I was refusing to go because why would I go when clearly they don't want me there. This then got changed to "no you can use the cafes but there has to be a reason"; however, the trust had already been broken so now I feel I don't belong and that they don't want me there or even like me, so yeah, won't be going back there.

I've now been told that basically, I need to not use the cafe and use PCART (don't we all know how s*** they are) and what happens when their not open, I'm then screwed. I also got the feeling A didn't want to be there as she turns up 1 hour late and then says I've got 5 minutes. So in that time I'm trying to get her to read what I wrote as I couldn't say it and it's been agreed by C and A that I can do that but A takes none of it so I told her what I want to do and she turns round to me and says (no joke) "do we have to talk about this today or can it wait until next week". I'm sorry what, I just told you what I've planned and you say that. She also stated that she can't stop me from doing that if I want to do it.

Overall, I'm finally done with mental health services, I'm not gonna go to my appointment because why should I when she clearly doesn't give two s**** about me. It's just wasting all our time when I could be off doing other stuff. S*** is gonna hit the fan but if professionals don't care then neither do I.

To finish on a positive note: I'm now 3 months and 5 days self-harm free. The longest I've gone without self-harming is 4 months and that was back in 2016, so let's see if I can get back up to this.
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